The obscurity that is the shadow of the inner child only begins to come to light when the inner child is given a voice. I honestly thought that by giving her the novel back she would be content and for a moment she was but then those whisps of darkness became a ghost of fury and I think it was then I realized that I had unleashed chaos.
My inner child has some serious beef with just about everyone in my family and once one of them pisses her off, the entire bunch of them face the wrath and in all honesty, I’m pretty proud of the hardline boundaries she has drawn for us and I am ready to stand and defend them.
It’s odd though, who this young child is maturing into. I feel like the inner child is now an inner tween, she’s tired of the disrespect her family dishes out, specifically the men and I think honestly, she is giving me the courage to stand by the boundaries she has set. It’s an interesting dynamic that I’m only just starting to really embrace.
I’ve been at the wheel for awhile now and while I’ve gotten us into a stable place, I struggle still with healthy boundaries. There is still a part of me that desperately needs to be loved and up until now, I thought that was my inner child, but I honestly don’t think that it is anymore.
If it’s not my inner child, then what is it? A lack of confidence maybe? That doesn’t feel right, I don’t feel insecure or meek, I don’t feel overlooked by anyone besides my family. I feel valued by everyone I know; my friends, coworkers and bosses, even most of my students treat me well but my family?
The second I don’t agree to whatever they are saying I am some sort of monster, and I don’t vibe with that. I can’t vibe with it because all evidence points to the contrary. I like myself, better when I have no contact with my family.
I thought I could bring them back in, but I can’t…They will not respect my boundaries and it’s not worth watching my life go to shit to have them in it. It sucks and It hurts but its also reality and while I don’t necessarily understand why they can’t respect, I do know for certain that they don’t.
I suspect this won’t change, even when I finally emerge from the shadow of my self.
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