For a long time, my family had me convinced that I was a bad person. I wasn’t but I believed that I was. My entire life I was made to hide things that various members of my family had done to me , made to feel less than my brothers just because of my birth order. My parents are boomers and have each admitted separately and on more than one occasion that they have a favorite and I’m not it.
My dad told me last night that I was a “piece of fucking shit” because I told him that I had taken care of something and didn’t need his help. Could I have been kinder? Absolutely. Should I have been? Nope.
The man disowned me two years ago, I do not owe him anything. Realizing that I don’t owe my parent a relationship is liberating, it’s like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t even realize I was carrying that weight but now that it is gone, I feel so much better.
I just feel better, like I’m free finally of this man who has taught me so little about life. The only thing I learned from him was what I won’t accept in a man, what behavior is a red flag and that I am none of the things he has tried to tell me that I am. I am not a loser, I am not friendless, I do not alienate everyone in my life and if my family imploded because I spoke the truth then that’s not my fault. Things happened to me that shouldn’t have, and they were a direct result of my parents hands off parenting technique that was common in the 80’s.
Like how am I responsible for what happened to me when I was a child? Aren’t parents supposed to protect their kids when they are minors? What I have come to accept is that my parents were incapable of protecting, which for some reason my father thinks gives him free reign to fuck up my life.
But it’s done now, the last cord has been cut and there is no reason for us to ever speak to each other again. Now the healing can begin…because this has been building up since my last birthday, really. Before that I hadn’t been talking to them for nearly a year and it was nice. It was quiet but it was really nice to not have to interact with my father.
And now I am dealing with the aftermath of severing that cord. I’m right back where I was two years ago when I first severed ties. Why did I bother allowing them back into my life? Why do I feel guilty this time around?
My brother…I got back in touch with my little brother and that was stupid. 10 years ago he believed his girlfriend over me and it destroyed our relationship. HIs girl wanted money and I wasn’t about to give someone money that I didn’t even know. So she lied to him and told him I threatened to call CPS on them…I’m a mandatory reporter so calling CPS is part of my job description and if I don’t, I could lose my license…but I didn’t threaten to call CPS, I didn’t know the kids were in a dangerous situation until he told me.
So 10 years lost with him and the I don’t even know who he is anymore. I hung out with him and he threatened to kick my dog…so I guess he hasn’t really changed because he already kicked one of my dogs 10 years ago. I was right about his last girlfriend and now he has another one who is belittling him and trying to deny his experiences, and he apparently thinks I should be ok with that, that I should be happy to watch.
But I’m not and I told him that and now he hates me.
There is no winning with my family, that is what I learned. I will always be the bitch; I will always be the least respected. I told my father that when they got like this, at the point where they can’t remember the ugly things they say to me or the times they treated me like trash that I was done. And so I am. There is no benefit to being told you suck on a regular basis.
So now starts the new; It’s Pisces season, I’m a Pisces. New beginnings start with letting go of what no longer matters. It’s time to move on.
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